T3

The truth about pregnancy is – well, actually, it’s nothing to do with pregnancy: the truth is, I’ve been really busy at work the last few weeks in the lead-up to spring break. I was also a little more tired as I began the third trimester of this pregnancy a few weeks ago, so put those together (along with the fact that I’d rather blog on my laptop than my iPad and I’d rather leave my laptop at work during the week)….and you get silence. Unless we’re friends on Facebook, where you’ll get my periodic attempts at humor and brevity.

Conveniently, the school year at my institution is broken into trimesters, which we refer to in shorthand as T1, T2, or T3 (hence the title of this post). I haven’t been RIGHT on track with the school trimesters, but I’ve been pretty darn close this year, so as T2 of the school year came to an end, I knew I was ever-so-close to the long-awaited T3 of not just school, but also of being pregnant.

In the past month, we’ve embarked on the adventure of childbirth classes (a six-week series at the hospital at which we plan to deliver) and I’ve entered an endless read-a-thon of pregnancy and childbirth books along the way. I started seeing a chiropractor who specializes in prenatal care – and you probably wouldn’t be surprised that I, of all people, WOULD be the one to find a chiropractor with a lending library. It’s just so appropriate for who I am. (To date, I’ve checked out and read four books from her office.)

The downsides of pregnancy at this point – aside from the fact that my stomach bears the obvious “OMG! LOOK HOW KNOCKED UP I AM!” bigness of almost-30-weeks of baby growing – is that it’s harder to move. If I sit for too long, my joints around my pelvis get stiff, and getting off the couch is harder than I would ever have imagined. Mostly, I’ve taken to sitting on an exercise ball, although I still can’t bring myself to read on one (yet). When I return to school in two weeks, I also plan to take an exercise ball as a temporary replacement to my desk chair, which is no longer working for me.

The upside of pregnancy at this point is watching the belly move. We all know I’m easily amused, but seriously, this is a blast! Whether I’m in the tub, in bed, or sitting on the couch, when this kid gets active, I get the biggest kick out of watching him kick and punch and roll around. (It definitely looks like I’m growing an alien life form at this point. I haven’t developed a craving for Reese’s Pieces yet, though, so I’m fairly certain it’s not ET’s spawn. This is probably good, although in my creative moments I think that’s a little too bad.)

So welcome to my third trimester. Since I’m on spring break through April 1, I hope to write more here and post more pictures, since obligatory baby bump photos are apparently always fun. And coming soon: the latest thoughts on childbirth plans…if it’s even possible to have those. Ha!

Moments

During the first trimester and first few weeks of the second, pregnancy seemed to consume every waking moment by the sheer virtue of feeling ill. I wasn’t really showing yet, but I could feel that I was pregnant every moment of the day when I was queasy (or more than queasy) or experienced those nasty food aversions or just couldn’t figure out if I would be able to eat anything that day.

InImage a welcome contrast, I’d say that the second trimester has been largely uneventful. The Kid is growing, which means that my body is growing, but even that’s something that’s easily forgettable when I’m not looking in the mirror or trying to squeeze through a narrow space. Sometimes, I look down and have to take a moment to realize “Oh yes! That’s right, I have a belly there now.” Sometimes, though, it’s easy to remember, like when I’m trying to climb the stairs at school while carrying my bag of school stuff, or when I get out of bed in the morning and feel The Kid’s weight at the start of the day.

I don’t mind the uneventfulness. There are times when 15 more weeks seems interminable, but then I remember that it all coincides with the end of the school year and I realize I have plenty of things to keep me busy until then – and I’m looking forward to the rest of the school year and not particularly in a rush to see it fade away too quickly.

What I really love the most, however, are the little moments.

Like all the moments when The Kid starts dancing around and kicking, often when I least expect it (in a meeting, in the car, during lunch, while I’m teaching, while I’m watching TV). He moves a lot, but it’s still so much of a novelty (even after six or seven weeks) that I have to pause and realize it’s not my body going crazy – it’s my son making his presence known.

Or my favorite moments, when The Spouse starts to read aloud to me and The Kid at bedtime. Those are the relaxing family moments when it’s just the two of us and the growing one (and sometimes puppy when he deigns to grace us with his presence). In the last week or two, The Kid’s gotten particularly excited any time his dad shows up.

At story time, he moves like crazy.

A few nights ago, The Spouse put his hand on my stomach as he fell asleep in bed while I was reading; The Kid moved and kicked the entire time his dad’s hand remained there.

And Saturday night, while I was resting on the couch, The Spouse came in to the living room and started reading aloud. The Kid started dancing for the first time in hours.

These are the moments I love right now.

22 weeks and change

My only excuse for not blogging sooner is the fact that growing a baby is hard work.

Okay, so maybe it’s really the fact that January took me by storm unexpectedly, along with the fact that I’m trying this new thing where I don’t bring my laptop home from work on the weekdays.

Being in second trimester is so much better than first. I can actually eat now, for one thing. And I have a baby bump! And he kicks all. the. time. This is probably an ominous sign that I’m being very careful to NOT ignore. It’s also a lot of fun. Sometimes – just occasionally – The Spouse is able to catch a little kick or two, but mostly it’s just me feeling The Kid.

So yes, being pregnant is actually somewhat enjoyable right now. Last year, it totally wasn’t. 2013 is treating me well so far, but I know that there are more things ahead that involve exhaustion and getting bigger.

The growing stomach thing is fun, but it’s also weird. I’m still not used to looking down and seeing a big stomach. My stomach’s never been flat, but this is way out of proportion (and I know, it’s still growing). On the flip side, it’s fun to wear cute maternity tops, even if I still could use a few more winter tops instead of feeling like I’m rotating the same few all the time.

In the last few weeks, we’ve made a little more progress on the home front for baby things, too:

  • We’re auditioning names. We think we have one we like (not telling!), so we’re trying it out. So far, it seems to be working, but we still have plenty of time.
  • We got a crib and glider. Maybe this means we’re nesting too soon, but I just like the fact that the baby room now looks like a baby room. I even found the ever-elusive Classic Pooh crib bedding set that I’ve wanted for eons.
  • We’ve cleaned out the storage room and started purging Things We Just Don’t Need. This feels good. The basement’s a disaster area right now, but it’s fabulous to be making progress in that area.
  • We took a class on how to prepare your pet for the baby, which was thoroughly helpful. Last night, Sirius and I hung out in the baby’s room for a little while after I got home from work, and he seemed very content with that. Later, I found him in there relaxing, which we also like. We want him to feel comfortable with the room, since we’ll probably spend a fair amount of time in there.

Right now, I think being pregnant feels like the story of the tortoise and the hare. As someone who tends toward hare qualities, this can sometimes be bothersome (as Pooh Bear might say), but we’re making progress every day. The baby’s growing, the house preparation’s continuing, and before we know it, we’ll be wondering where that time went when we could actually get a few hours of sleep.

  • We’ve begun a new tradition of bedtime stories in the baby’s room.

The Past Five Years

Here’s the thing: if you didn’t know, this isn’t the first time I’ve been pregnant. Five years ago this March, we lost a son about halfway through the pregnancy. I’m now officially more pregnant than I’ve ever been. But it doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten (or ever will), or that I don’t want to talk about last time (or this time).

It’s not a secret. Many people who know me (outside of my professional/academic life) know about what happened in 2008, but it’s not something that generally comes up in conversation. They say no one really talks about miscarriage, and it’s true, but I’ve come to believe it’s not because women today don’t want to talk about it, but because none of us knows how to deal with it in conversation. In the aftermath of losing our son in 2008, this was the challenging part: I wanted to talk about it, but felt like if I brought it up, it would make people uncomfortable. It’s something I’ll readily discuss with anyone even now. Yet people take their cues from you when grief is involved; if you don’t talk about it, they don’t bring it up. You end up in limbo that way.

Many families experience pregnancy loss and birth defect diagnoses; we know we are by far not alone. I think that either circumstance colors how you move forward with subsequent pregnancies and decisions about whether or not to get pregnant, but we’ve long felt that there was a double whammy for us. In addition to losing our son, we lost the ability to simply be excited about having a baby. Five years ago, we lost our innocence: while most people simply start dreaming about the baby they’re going to have, for us early pregnancy this past fall was all about “What if?” and feeling like we were waiting for the other shoe to drop. We didn’t sit here and dream and plan and delve too deeply; it felt too much like tempting fate. I didn’t journal or blog; I didn’t dig into the baby books even when I unearthed them from the crate hiding in my office closet.
Losing our son in 2008 had a profound impact on our lives. I have changed a lot; I don’t know how much The Spouse feels he’s changed, but I think we both recognize how much the experience changed me. The past five years have been hard. Holidays have been the worst; last time, I found out I was pregnant a week before Christmas, which made it easy for me to imagine what the next year and the next would look like. We have a niece and nephew now, and watching them at the holidays was mostly heart-wrenching and difficult for me until about a year ago. I have friends with kids; I’ve sat through baby showers and other social events where the moms talk and talk and I sit there, uncomfortable. Because it doesn’t matter what experience you do have with children and child-rearing; if you don’t have a baby, you aren’t entitled to participate.Some of the difficulties we encountered in the past five years lay, I think, in a feeling of indecision: we thought we’d try again, but what if we hit the same problem? How many times could we go through with the heartbreak? We began to think we’d try once more and if it didn’t work, that was it. By the time I finished grad school and started my job, we were discussing when we’d try again; by this point, The Spouse was almost more interested in the prospect than I was. At times, I felt like I no longer had an interest in being a parent. But at the end of the day, I think we both felt it was worthwhile to give it a shot.
And here we are. So far, things are working. This time around, it’s not the stress-free picnic it (almost) was before (I did lose 15 pounds last time due to morning sickness, after all). This time, we know each other better; we’ve grown from this loss both individually and as a couple. As we celebrated our tenth anniversary last August, we began to realize that we’re probably in the best place we’ve ever been as a couple. We feel….as ready as we could be. This is it; we don’t have any intention of trying for more children. For us, this was our goal. Sometimes, it feels like we’re still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but each week we get more and more excited about the Wee One’s arrival.I’ve spent a long time wanting to write about these feelings and thoughts. There have been months and days in the past few years when I wanted to write things that I was sure would anger or upset friends, so I never did. I don’t talk about five years ago, but I think about it. A lot. And I don’t know how many people realize just how much that experience colored the person I am today. I feel like I’m an open book about the experience, but just haven’t figured out how or when to talk about it….so I don’t. That’s all my silence means.
I still think about him every day. For the past five years, I’ve thought about who I thought he would be and what he’d be doing and who we’d be as parents. I think about how our world would be different and how we would be.  Not regretfully, not mournfully, but in that inquisitive sense, a bit of curiosity about another world I glimpsed for just a moment before I stepped fully into this one to see what lies ahead.

Secret kept and revealed

I sent out Christmas cards this year, penning individual short notes to people. I like writing newsy holiday letters (as a reader and person who likes to know what’s going on, I also enjoy getting them) but this year I was holding out on people and couldn’t bring myself to draft a bulk letter.

Trust me, it’s hard to say much when you’re holding back on the big news of what’s expected in 2013: The Spouse and I are expecting a son in early June.

We’ve known for ages, of course, but had reasons for waiting until the holiday season to tell our families. My family found out this past weekend; I returned to work this past Monday and revealed the news then (at just over 19 weeks pregnant).

It hasn’t been easy to keep quiet, of course. I suffer from pretty bad nausea when I’m pregnant (this is my second pregnancy, but more on that later), and when you combine that with food aversions so bad that I couldn’t step foot in the school’s dining hall for two months, well, it was no fun. I made it to work every day, but also spent plenty of evening time sleeping on the couch and trying to find some semblance of normalcy (ha!).

But finally, things turned a corner over winter break. So far, 2013 is treating us well, with plenty of excitement to come. And now that the self-imposed gag order has been lifted, you should hear much, much more from me in the days and weeks to come.

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2012 by the books

Once upon a time, in a life before grad school, I blogged about my book reading on a regular basis. Then I went to grad school and only had time for books that only other grad students would find interesting, so I stopped that. When I started my job a year and a half ago, I picked up on the reading-for-fun scheme again. I’m always at home in a library, bookstore, or with a book in my hand (hard copy or ebook).

This year’s been a lovely year for reading. I devoured nearly 200 books this year – not a record for me, but a really good number given that I took six years “off” from fun reading (for the most part; trust me, I made exceptions!). 2012 became the year that I spent my summer finally getting through a pile of unread books from my personal library, the year that I began a habit of grabbing whatever book in the school library happened to catch my fancy (or was recommended to me). 2012 was also my first year as a member of Powell’s Indiespensable book club, which I’ve loved entirely (even if my last 2 installments are still unread at the moment…).

But for now, in recognition of the year that goes out tonight, I offer five top recommendations from my 2012 reading list, and a few highlights of other tomes I spent time with this year.

The Top 5 (In no particular order)

The Night Circus (Erin Morgenstern). I adored this book. Of course, when I think of night time and circus-like happenings, I get flashbacks to Ray Bradbury’s Something Wicked This Way Comes - which is NOT, of course, about a circus, but about a carnival. Morgenstern’s got some of Bradbury’s lyricism in her, but this book is magic all its own. All I can really say is that it’s about a circus that comes at night and has some mystical properties. Add a sense of late nineteenth century Victorian mystery, a little fog, and some things that you never can quite explain, and it’s really just beautiful from start to finish.

The Elegance of the Hedgehog (Muriel Barbery). I knew of this book for years and finally checked it out last winter to see what to make of it. I was partially inspired by the film adaptation (which I haven’t yet seen). Parts of it are quite philosophical, but all of it is quite lovely. I was unsure about the storyline – a young girl who plans to commit suicide and then becomes friends with the manager of the apartment building – but it’s so much more than that. I loved this book for its intricate combination of thoughtful simplicity and complexity.

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks (Rebecca Skloot). You’ve probably seen this in bookstores and on shelves, but if you haven’t read it, you’re missing out. I’d never really read any nonfiction science before this, but Skloot’s masterful – so accessible, easy to read, and so informative. I really couldn’t put this down, as I found myself interested in the various threads of the story. This is about the origin of HeLa cells, the first self-replicating (if i’m getting the term right) cells, which have been used to develop so many cures and medical advancements in the last half century. But although you might have read about HeLa cells in science class somewhere, what you probably didn’t know was that HeLa – Henrietta Lacks – was a poor African American woman whose cells were taken from her (without permission) in the 50s when she was undergoing treatment for cervical cancer. As a historian, I was really interested in the personal aspects of this story and the oral history – the efforts to track down who this woman was, the ethical issues surrounding taking someone’s cells without permission, etc.

Gone Girl (Gillian Flynn). I almost didn’t put this on the list, but kinda had to. In so many ways, this is the best mystery I’ve read in a long time. It’s got a great hook: a young married woman has gone missing (in Missouri, no less), and her husband is the prime suspect. We get alternating chapters from his perspective (beginning when she goes missing) – and the missing wife’s perspective, through a diary she wrote over the last seven years. As you read, you learn that nothing is quite what it seems. The ending, btw, has generated a lot of discussion, but I have to say I liked something the author wrote recently about why it ended the way it did. And that’s all I’ll say. (Of course, for more hard-core, you could also just read Truman Capote’s In Cold Blood, which was also one of my 2012 reads – excellent, until I got to the description of the murders, and then I was just creeped out for days. It probably didn’t help that I went online looking for more info about THAT case)

The Autobiography of Henry VIII, with notes by his fool, Will Somers (Margaret George). I confess: in some ways, this is a stand-in, a representative of all the great Tudor (and Plantagenet) history I read this year. But first, this novel in particular: it’s not at all new, and it is quite large, but very, very worth it. If you like Tudor history, this novel is a fantastic look into the inner mind of Henry VIII. Excellent history.

Other highlights from my 2012 reading:

A few standouts of my reading accomplishments this year are also in order, right? Hey look, if YOU had read Ulysses this year, you might feel the same way, so without further ado, here are a few other peeks into my 2012 reading:

1. Got caught up on all of Rick Riordan’s books, including the Egyptian mythology trilogy and the Last of the Olympians series. Yes, they’re for young teens, but they definitely help me keep track of my mythology.

2. I continued with Ken Follett’s latest trilogy on the 20th century. I’ll be honest: the second book (Winter of the World) tried to put too much factual history into the mouths of the characters, but it was still a fun ride.

3. I know, I already said that I read Ulysses. I’ll say it again. And yes, I’m very proud of that (not that I understood half of it, but that’s another story).

4. Yes, I read the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. Mostly, I was curious about the hype, and I was on vacation and figured I deserved some throwaway trash novels. Yes, I kept reading after the first one. No, they’re not that great, but I personally find it fun to scandalize people in airports by reading controversial books.

5. My Doctor Who obsession may be nearly legendary, but I also read some of the Doctor Who comics this year. I need to stay away from the comic book store, people.

6. And finally, I read all of Jane Austen last summer. Which would sound more impressive if she’d written more than, say, half a dozen books, but I still don’t knock it.

Good-bye, 2012: it was a great read.